Happy New Year!

I thought this Thanksgiving would be easier than last year. I was wrong.

Fourteen months without you. Fourteen months of you not rolling in the grass or sitting in your spot in the car.

Ever since I had that dream about you last year, telling me you couldn’t come back to me, I’ve been hoping you would visit my dreams. I don’t know if it was because I had a good conversation with Ed about your passing, but you’ve been coming to my dreams in little pieces, and I’m thankful for it.

It's been one year since we said goodbye to each other. One year since I last gave you kisses and held your paw.

It was this week last year when the decision to euthanize Lance was made. I wish so many times I could change things.

Today we celebrate your birthday and your adoptaversary. I wish you could be here with me.

Over the last few months, I am reminded of our lasts together…our last Christmas, your last birthday. I didn’t know they would be our lasts together. I wish I could go back and make some of those days magical for you.

I had a hard day yesterday. I saw a Facebook memory post from last year where I told people we were going to do some procedures on you in September, 2023. I had no clue in a couple of months, you would no longer be with us. Should I have been able to see the signs more? We know you were in pain, but was my hoping everything could be fixed keep me from seeing what was really going on with you?

It’s the craziest things that can set off grief. Why did I get so emotional about a flooring being demolished?

Why am I not having dreams about you? I can watch a day of some stupid shows and they invade my dreams, but seven years with you and nothing.

This weekend will mark the seventh month since you had to leave us. I’m going to have to do something hard tomorrow and I’m not sure how I will do with it. The place where we said our good-byes to one another is having an open house. I want to go to support your behavior vet and the wonderful people who helped us take care of you all of these years, but it also means returning to the place we said good-bye.

Saturday will mark six months since we said goodbye to you.

Love,

I received your message today.

Tomorrow will be five months since we said our goodbyes.

Lance,

I miss you. I love you so much and I want you here.

This is a transcript from a recording I made with Lance on August 13th.

Christmas isn’t the same without you this year. No stockings or trees were hung.

We started discussing the decision to euthanize Lance on August 11, 2023. This was not an easy decision to make, but one that was the best for Lance.

From that day, I have been making audio recordings and journal entries.

August 11th, I made an audio recording as I was trying to process the decision we were making. This is taken from that recording.