In my dreams

Lance,

Ever since I had that dream about you last year, telling me you couldn’t come back to me, I’ve been hoping you would visit my dreams. I don’t know if it was because I had a good conversation with Ed about your passing, but you’ve been coming to my dreams in little pieces, and I’m thankful for it.

Thank you for those little visits. One thing I’ve been struggling with is how to move on from mourning your passing. I almost feel guilty sometimes about living my life without you, but I know I need to. But I think last night’s dream will help me move on more. Not that I will ever forget you, you’re forever in my heart, but I won’t feel guilty about being ok.

The dream was there was a big pile of your fur on the carpet and I didn’t want to clean it. I didn’t want to lose you. But in my dream, I was able to clean it up. I woke up thinking that it didn’t matter that you weren’t physically here, even if is only your fur, but you will always be with me and I can let some things go.

I haven’t cleaned my car since your passing. Ok, it was long before your passing, but I haven’t cleaned it because I didn’t want to remove the fur from your seat in the car. From your spot behind the driver. It’s where you sat for seven years. And part of me thought cleaning that spot would remove you somehow. Or I wanted to hang on to you. But I feel I can start letting go of the things I’ve kept around. I was finally able to give away your food in August and got rid of your meds.

Lance always sat in the car behind the driver of the car.

Thank you for showing me I can start to move on and not feel guilty about it. I am still reminded of you throughout the day. I keep photos of you in my office, whenever I sit in the chair by the tv, I think of all the times you sat in front of me when Ed came home and you told him to stay away, that I was your woman. I look at the couch and think of all the times you laid there. I see you sitting up on the couch, like you were a human. I think of the times you sat by me on the couch as I watched tv. Do you remember the times when you, Lili, and Ed all sat on the couch together?

Lili, Ed, and Lance in 2016, shortly after Lance came to live with us. 

Lance, showing off his goods.

I see the dining room table and think of all the times you hid under it during a storm. Lili has started laying on your green bed, but I still think of you every time I see it. I can start seeing things as happy memories and not saddened all the time by your loss.

I miss you and love you,

Woman