August 16, 2023

This is transcribed from another audio recording I made on August 16th as I was working out my feelings about Lance’s upcoming euthanasia. I recorded this as I was talking with Lance about how I was feeling.

I’m sorry, Wub. I just didn’t know how much you were hurting. And I want you to stay around forever, I really do, but I can see the amount of pain you are in. I thought the procedures would magically take that away, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.

And I can see you’re not feeling well. I’m sorry, baby bear. I’m sorry we thought about putting you through that. I’m sorry honey bear. I’m so sorry. But when you go to doggy heaven, there’s going to be so many dogs for you to play with. There’s going to be Freddy, and Hank, and Thor, and Odin, and Chloe and Putsy, Zip and Zap, and Roscoe. And Daddy’s doggy friend, Tippy, will be there. And Gabby, and all the other doggies mommy has photographed.

They’re all going to be there saying, “Lancy, we’ve been waiting for you!” And mommy’s brother, Kent, is going to play with you while I can’t. And they all get to be your friends, ok? They’re all going to be friends with you. Because they know, they know what a good boy you are. They know what an amazing boy you are.

And they’re going to be friends with you and you’re going to play and you’re not going to be in pain ever again, Love. And the girl doggies are going to love your eyelashes. They're just going to think you are the most handsome boy dog in doggy heaven. And you’re going to be the most handsome boy dog in doggy heaven. You are. And then one day when Lili comes, you’re going to be able to show her all around and you’re not going to be mad at her at all. And you’re going to be able to say, “I’m sorry, Lili.” And when I join you, I’m going to be able to sing your song to you.

You have my heart and I have you

You have my heart and I have you

Forever, I’ll be true

You have my heart and I love you

That’s always going to be your song. That’s always going to be your song, Lancy.

And ever since I laid eyes on you, on your photo, I didn’t even have to see you, I just knew, I knew from your photos and your story, you were meant to be mine and come live with us. I was going to spoil the crap out of you. I may not have been the bestest mommy in other ways but oh my goodness, we have loved you, mommy has loved you, daddy has loved you. Oh my goodness daddy loves you so much. He loves you so, so much. And we have loved you and spoiled the crap out of you. And you are always going to be our boy. And you are the love of my life. You are absolutely the love of my life. And I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.

Do you remember when you came home with us that first night? You dropped that flip flop onto my head and you wouldn’t come upstairs so I slept downstairs with you on that air mattress and your dropped that flip flop on my head and I knew from then on it was going to be an adventure with you.

And you got to have Marnie in your life and Dr. Pike and Dr. Phillips and we’re going to forget all those other bad doctors because we can just say a big SUCK YOU to those people. And Wyatt, and Courtney, Crystal, and Akira and Debbie and the girls…you had some amazing people in your life, Love. You had amazing people on Team Lance and they all love you. They all love you and care about you. Yeah they do, because you are an amazing boy. You’re such a good boy, Wub. You’re such a good amazing boy. And we love you so much, baby boy, we love you so much.

I’m going to miss you so much, honey bear, but I don’t want you to be in pain anymore. And I know you’re in pain and I know you’re not feeling well. I know you do that bright doggy smile, but I know how tired you are, Sweetie. You’ve been putting on a brave face but mommy sees it, mommy sees how tired you are. And I absolutely adore you. I absolutely love you. And your spot in the car, you always had my back because you had the seat behind the driver. That is Lance’s spot. That is always going to be Lance’s spot.

I’m going to miss you sleeping with me at night. I love having you sleep with me at night in the same bed. And you would curl up with me when it was cold out. You don’t want to do it right now so much because it’s warmer out, but you would sleep with me almost every night when you were here. Sometimes in the summertime you would start off in the bed and then usually end up on the floor because you would like that more but, you slept with me so many nights, love. And then if you really had to go potty, I knew when you really had to go potty because you would make a gentle little noise and then say, “Hi, excuse me, woman, I need to go potty.” And that’s how I knew you needed to go potty and I would take you potty because that’s what you needed. Well, ok, I would send daddy out a lot of times too. But there were so many times it was you and me in the middle of the night, sometimes it was you and daddy in the middle of the night. But do you remember sometimes we would go over by the hotel and I would take you potty or sometimes we would go down to the end of the neighborhood. I could always tell when you had to poop because you would be walking faster, zooming, but afterward you would chill.

I love the way you walk, you walk like a surfer dude, almost. And it’s just been the best way for you to walk, Love.

I love you my boy, for ever and always.

Forever and always, my Love.

Forever and always.