Lessons in losing Lance…part 2
Reposted from lanceandlili.com
Tomorrow will mark six months since Lance’s passing. Do you know how many people in my life haven’t said a word to me about his death? Or they may have said “sorry about your loss” on the Facebook post I made when Lance passed away and nothing since. Even one of my closest friends didn’t reach out to me for months after Lance’s passing. To say I was hurt about that one is an understatement, but it leads me to my second lesson:
There will be people in your life who will never understand your grief
Pet loss grief is considered to be disenfranchised grief, a type of grief that is not seen as being significant. People understand if you lose a parent or a sibling, but losing a pet? “Well, they’re just a pet, you can get another one, why are you still sad about this?” Why am I still sad? Because I lost the love of my life, that’s why.
I admit when I started photographing dogs, I did not completely understand pet loss. Oh, let’s be honest. I was one of those people who was completely illiterate about grief and how to handle anyone else’s grief. Do I say something to someone after their loved one passes? I dunno? What if what I say upsets them? I don’t want to do that. We live in a grief illiterate society and grief is an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people. But when I started photographing senior pets and clients started telling me about their pet’s passing, I knew I needed to get better about grief, which is why I became a grief loss specialist through One Last Network. I didn’t want to feel awkward or say nothing because I didn’t want to feel stupid. And I will continue my grief education later this year. I’ve also received a certificate from the University of Vermont by completing the Companion animal end of life doula course. But I’ll be the first to tell you I still make mistakes when it comes to supporting others through their grief journey.
Grief can feel incredibly lonely at times. Friends who you thought would be there for you will suddenly become unavailable or will try to change the subject as quickly as possible if you even think about breathing your pet’s name. Even if they don’t understand it, you’d think they would show empathy, right? One of my husband’s bosses at work pulled him into his office a couple of months after Lance’s passing. His pet recently passed and he apologized to my husband because until then, he did not understand how much it hurt to lose a pet. He became more sympathetic to my husband after he himself went through that and sometimes we can’t fully be sympathetic, or even empathetic until we experience for ourselves.
But what do you do when you find yourself in the midst of your grief and you feel no one understands you? Find support.
Ask your vet if they know of any pet loss support groups in your area. If you don’t feel comfortable attending a group in person, look for a group online. Lap of Love, which offers veterinary hospice support and in-home euthanasia across the country, also offers online support groups throughout the month. They offer general pet loss grief support, as well as offering support groups for those who have lost their pets through behavioral euthanasia and support for those who have lost their pets suddenly or through traumatic events.
If you need it, find a therapist. Lap of Love also offers individual pet loss support sessions for a fee. There are others out there who will offer sessions on a sliding scale, if finances are an issue.
Look for other pet guardians who have lost their pets. I talk to one of my sisters a lot about Lance. She lost her beloved b during the pandemic and we talk to one another about our dogs. I have other friends who have lost pets and we turn to one another for support. You are not alone, find your village.
And be honest with your friends and let them know you need them. My friend who I did not hear from for months, when she finally reached out to me, it took me a bit of time, but I was honest and told her not hearing from her for months hurt me. I also told her I needed some space, because I couldn’t deal with it at Christmas. She has apologized and I am slowly rebuilding a relationship with her.
Yes, not everyone will understand your grief, but know you are not alone and support is out there for you. If you need help finding resources, send me an email and I can help you find someone to talk to.